


Cocktail Hour - Champagne

by gmariam



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alcohol, Drama, Episode: s02e09 Something Borrowed, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:38:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9876974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gmariam/pseuds/gmariam
Summary: Cocktail Hour story for 'Something Borrowed', featuring the Torchwood team and champagne.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like this tale grew too big to include with the rest of Cocktail Hour, so I'm posting it as its own story instead. It should be about 4-5 chapters, rotating through various viewpoints. I hope you enjoy another take on 'Something Borrowed.'

I.

"Champagne?" Tosh asks, holding out a flute filled with bubbles. Jack is sitting alone, looking almost morose, and she is determined to shake some sense into him. He's been a sullen prat since they arrived, and it's clearly not because of the Nostrovite. She watched him dance with Gwen, after all, and she saw the looks and touches and general mooning. If she saw it, and even Owen noticed it enough make a snarky remark about it, then it's a sure bet that Ianto did as well, and that he didn't interrupt them for any other reason than to put a stop to it.

And knowing Ianto, he stopped it for Gwen and Rhys, not because of his own feelings. He's been somewhat dry and distant all day, and she half wonders if she should be sitting with Ianto, offering him a drink with words of support. Only she's too irritated with Jack and needs to let him know first before she finds Ianto and offers him a ride home so he doesn't have to drive back with Jack and Owen.

"Thanks," says Jack. "Drink up now before we have to lace it all with Retcon." He raises the glass in a toast, his gaze still distant, his demeanor still pensive and brooding.

She plays with the stem of her flute before sipping at it, unsure what to say when all she wants to do is let loose on his insensitive behavior. Not that it's any of her business, and she's aware that she could be misinterpreting everything—Jack and Gwen and Ianto, the whole sordid triangle. Maybe none of it is what it seems. She hopes so, for all of them, including Rhys now.

"Will Gwen and Rhys remember?" she asks. Jack smiles crookedly, spinning the glass between his fingers.

"They'd prefer to not forget," he said.

"I don't blame them," Tosh says firmly. "It's their wedding. Aliens aside, it was lovely. They deserve to remember their special day."

Jack simply tilts his head in acknowledgement. She continues.

"Rhys was amazing. I can't think of many men who would be so accepting of their fiancé waking up with an alien baby the morning of their wedding. And in the end, he saved her life. He's her hero, and he deserves to remember that more than anything."

Jack shrugs this time. His lack of response confirms her thoughts, that Jack is acting like a royal jerk on what should be a happy occasion for Gwen and Rhys.

"She deserves someone who would do anything for her. He loves her, he supports her, he even took a bullet for her. He's good for her."

"Yes, he is," Jack says with a nod and a small smile.

"Then let her go, Jack," Tosh replies, lowering her voice. She's unable to hide her irritation any longer, earning a surprised look from Jack. "She's married now, and obviously happy. She deserves to have a normal life. Don't take that away from her."

"I'm not sure what you mean," says Jack. "I'm not trying to take anything. She choose Torchwood a long time ago."

"And she chose Rhys," Tosh replies. "I thought you made your choice too, although sometimes I wonder if you only think you did. You had your chance a long time ago. Don't hurt her or Rhys or anyone else because you can't get over it."

Jack drinks his entire glass in one quick gulp. "Anyone else?" he asks, his gaze moving around the room as if looking for the subject of their discussion, though she's not sure which one. Tosh points her finger at him to emphasize her words.

"You know who I mean. I don't know what's going on between you and Ianto anymore, but make sure that he does. You may be my boss, but he's my friend, and I don't want to see him hurt."

"And I don't want to hurt him," Jack murmurs, tracing circles on the tablecloth. "Has it occurred to you that you might, in fact, be wrong about me? About today, about all of this?" He sweeps his hand out, indicating the wedding.

"Yes," she said. "Maybe I'm completely wrong, and Ianto's fine with everything you've said and done today. Or maybe deep down he's hurting, only he's too proud to ever let anyone know. He deserves a normal life too, Jack. Don't keep him from that if you don't mean it."

She stands up to find another glass of champagne and bring it to Ianto, only to turn around and see him standing by the music table, laughing with a young woman in a pink dress that by some coincidence matches his shirt perfectly. "Oh." It slips out, along with a satisfied smile.

Jack stands up beside her, also watching Ianto. The woman is short and pretty, and they are standing close and talking animatedly, each of them sipping a champagne flute. When the music stops, Ianto sets up some more, and the young woman motions toward the dance floor. Ianto smiles, his face free of the pinched tension she saw earlier. He offers her his elbow, and they sweep out onto the dance floor together.

Tosh is speechless. Ianto can _dance._ And he looks years younger, with his tie loose, his eyes bright, smiling and laughing as he twirls the woman and dips her. Across the dance floor, Owen is standing with Gwen, and they are staring as well. Owen looks smug, like he wants to congratulate Ianto for pulling a hot bird, and there is a small but confused smile on Gwen's face. Tosh wonders what she will see on Jack's face. Surprise? Jealousy? Stormy anger? What for? Jack is an incorrigible flirt who just danced far too intimately with the new bride to be throwing stones at glass houses.

When she turns around, it is to find Jack watching Ianto with a look of sadness touched with longing and clear affection. It is not what she was expecting. She considers pointing out the hypocrisy, but Jack places a hand on her shoulder.

"I do mean it, Tosh," he says softly. "But you're right. He deserves a normal life too." He turns with a sigh and leaves the room. She's not sure whether to go after him or leave him to wallow in his own guilt. In the end, she watches Ianto, enjoying her friend's happiness on the dance floor. She catches Owen's eye and they exchange a "Who knows?" shrug. With a sigh, she goes to find another glass of champagne, wondering if Ianto will need a ride home after all.

* * *

"Hi," says a voice from beside him, one he doesn't recognize but which is clearly speaking to him. He glances up and sees a woman standing alongside the table where he's been setting up the music. She's short and pretty, about his age, a beautiful pink dress complimenting her blue eyes and curly brown hair, and she's holding two flutes of champagne.

"Hello," says Ianto, starting the next song before giving her his full attention. She holds out one of the flutes for him.

"I thought you might like a drink," she said. "Since you've been doing the music for a while now."

"Thanks," he says, taking the flute and trying not to stare. She reminds him of someone he knew in university, one of the girls in the flat next to his during his last year of studies. It's a memory from another life, when he was young and didn't know anything about aliens and immortal time travelers, when his biggest worries were his studies and having a good time. He'd slept with her a few times, the girl next door, and finds himself staring at the woman before him, wondering…

"It's Ianto, right?" she asks, sipping at her drink. She smiles at his surprise. "Rhys told me. He said you work with Gwen."

"That's right." He awkwardly holds out his hand. "Ianto Jones. And you are?"

"Catrin Williams," she says. "I'm Rhys's cousin. My friends call me Catie, though, so please call me Catie."

It's a bit of an obvious line, but sincere, and he's charmed none the less. "Nice to meet you, Catie."

"So if you work with Gwen, does that mean you're part of her special ops team?" she asks, and he nods.

"More of an admin than anything—general support," he tells her. "I tend to run things behind the scenes."

She smiles broadly at him. "That's me too, then! I'm a PA at Axiom. I swear I know more about what's going on than my boss some days!"

"I feel the same," Ianto laughs. "We are a much-needed but under-appreciated segment of the work force, no doubt."

"Gwen never talks about her job, she says she can't," Catrin says. "I suppose you're going to tell me the same? Even with what happened today?"

"Afraid so," Ianto replies. "Comes with the territory and the Official Secrets Act."

She narrows her eyes at him. "Official Secrets Act? Are you a spy, then?"

"I have done some undercover work," he tells her, lowering his voice. "Right now I'm undercover as a DJ."

She laughs, and he finds it warm and genuine. To his surprise, his mood has considerably improved over the last five minutes, compared to the last five hours. It's been a stressful day for more reasons than the obvious, and perhaps Catrin is exactly the distraction he needs as Jack sits at their table and broods some more.

"Would you like to dance?" she asks. "Next song, if you can step away for a few minutes?"

He finishes his champagne—liquid courage, he tells himself—and turns back to the music. "Absolutely. What would you like to hear?"

She smiles and asks what he has available, and they set up the next three songs. Offering his arm, he leads her out to the dance floor. He sees no reason why he shouldn't enjoy himself. He's worked hard to make sure Gwen's wedding actually happened, and if the person he'd rather be enjoying it with is too busy mourning instead of celebrating, then Ianto decides he has every right to dance with someone else. It's not like he's tied to Jack anyway, especially since it's become increasingly clear that all Jack can think about is Gwen, and not because of her alien baby.

So he loosens his tie some more, smiles, and dances with Catrin. She won't remember him the next day anyway, so he may as well enjoy her company while he can.


	2. Chapter 2

II.

"Congratulations, Mrs. Williams," Owen says, handing Gwen a champagne flute. She's just come off the dance floor and is gazing around the room. He wonders who she's looking for, and whether it's the man she _should_ be looking for.

"It's still Ms. Cooper for now," she says, accepting the glass with a grateful smile. She drinks half of it in one go. "Oh, thanks for this. It's perfect."

"You're welcome. So why Cooper and not Williams?"

Gwen offers her gap-toothed grin. "I'm a modern woman, of course. Not ready to give up my name."

"And what does Rhys think of that?" Owen asks. "He strikes me as a rather old-fashioned sort of bloke."

"He is," she says. "In some ways. In other ways, he's not, and he understands."

"Then maybe he should change his name to Mr. Cooper," Owen drawls, and Gwen makes a face at him.

"I don't think so. Mr. Cooper is my dad," she replies. "No, we'll be fine as we are." She has an almost dopey smile on her face, and Owen thinks she's looking at Rhys, but not far behind her new husband Jack is sitting with Tosh. Owen grins to himself, knowing that Tosh has some choice words for their boss about his behavior that day. Catching Gwen staring yet again, he decides to have his say as well. He moves to block her view, ignoring subtlety in favor of brashness.

"Good for you, and good luck," he says. "That was some dance you had earlier."

She smiles, and it's clear she thinks he's talking about something else. "We've always loved that song. We heard it on our third date and fell in love with it. That's when I knew Rhys was special."

Owen bites back a smirk as well as a frustrated sigh. She really doesn't get it. "I wasn't talking about Rhys," he tells her, and she frowns, so he continues. "I was talking about Jack."

"What?" When he merely raises an eyebrow in response, she laughs nervously. "What do you mean? What about Jack?"

"Look, I've never been married, but I was engaged once," he said. "But if my wife was making eyes like you were during that dance, I'd probably be questioning my vows."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she practically sputters. There is a look of honest confusion in her eyes, but also fear. She has some idea, then. Denial, perhaps? Owen continues without mercy.

"Look, we all see it, the thing with you and Jack. But you're married now, and to a good man." He grimaces. "As much as it pains me to say that about Rhys. He saved your life today, you know."

"I know, Owen," she says, her voice growing hard. "He was amazing, and I love him for it even more."

"Then stop looking at Jack like he's the one you just let go," Owen says, lowering his voice. "Rhys doesn't deserve it, and frankly, neither does the teaboy."

"Ianto?" she asks in surprise. "What does he have to do with this?"

Owen shrugs. "Probably nothing, only him and Jack… they're doing whatever they're doing together, and you might as well let them have at it without interference now."

She narrows her eyes, sets down her glass and crosses her arms over her chest. "I've never tried to stop them, Owen."

He rolls his eyes, thinking he could point out any number of examples, but won't do so now that's she's married. "Fine, fine. Just…don't let it drift, like Jack says. Only with _Rhys_ ," he adds firmly. He wants to add some kind of remark about Jack and Ianto to both lighten the mood and drive home his point, but Gwen's eyes grow wide before either of them can continue. He turns and follows her gaze.

Ianto had been roped into doing the music, and after his disastrous dance with Jack he hustled back over to the music table, where he's now clearly being chatted up by one of the more attractive female guests. They are drinking champagne, talking and laughing until Ianto offers his arm and they walk out onto the dance floor.

Glancing around, Owen finds Tosh and Jack also watching the dance floor, Tosh appearing as surprised as Gwen, and Jack…well. There it is, spelled out in the look on his face.

Realization.

Of what, Owen's not exactly sure, but it's not a good realization. Jack turns and leaves the room, and Tosh catches Owen's eye, shakes her head. Gwen has not noticed, thank god. And then Rhys comes over and claims her for a dance, and Owen is relieved she won't be running out after Jack anytime soon. He contemplates going after Jack himself, but decides whatever is going on between his boss and the teaboy is even less his business than the nonsense between Jack and Gwen.

And privately, a small part of him is cheering for Ianto, who seems to be enjoying himself out of Jack's shadow. He deserves it—and if Jack's upset, maybe he deserves the kick in the pants.

* * *

Ianto is enjoying his dance with Catrin. It's quite different than shuffling around with Jack, knowing his lover's attention was elsewhere. She is small and warm and attentive in a way Jack is clearly not capable of that day. Ianto wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, wants to believe it's nothing more than a fond older brother giving away his baby sister, but it's hard to talk himself into believing it. There's too much evidence to the contrary. So he sets it aside, as he's done with most things in his life since Canary Wharf. It's all he can ever do, live in the moment, because he has no real future, and the past is too painful.

Gwen and Rhys appear next to them, laughing as they twirl. Ianto is torn between pity for Rhys—it's no fun being the proverbial third wheel, after all—frustration with Gwen, and genuine happiness for them both. And there is a touch of sadness for himself, that he will never have what they have, which he again sets aside along with the guilt. He hates thinking about the what ifs, knows he shouldn't – what if Torchwood One hadn't fallen, what if Lisa had survived, what if he and Jack—what if what if what if? It gets him nowhere, but sometimes he can't help it.

"Thank you for doing the music, Ianto!" Gwen calls over the noise. "You saved the party!"

"My pleasure!" he shouts back.

"Yeah, thanks mate," says Rhys. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself instead of sitting around like your boss." He grins at his cousin, who seems embarrassed by the attention.

"Watch out, I'm sure Jack'll be cutting in soon now that we all know what a good dancer you are!" Gwen laughs. Ianto rolls his eyes and spins Catrin away from them. The last thing he wants to think about is Jack cutting in. A quick scan of the room tells him Jack isn't even there. At least he knows Jack isn't with Gwen. He's probably brooding on the roof instead.

"Is Jack the man you were dancing with earlier?" Catrin asks. Like a balloon deflating, Ianto feels his good mood leave him in rush. He nods, the song ends, and with a sigh, he moves toward the table to start the next set of songs. She follows him.

"Would you like another glass of champagne?" she asks, sounding uncertain now. He forces a smile, because he doesn't want to offend her. He likes her company; it's only the abrupt reminder of his lack of other company that has soured him. Determined to recapture his good mood, even if it's bolstered by alcohol, he nods.

"That would be great," he says. "Thank you."

"Be right back," she says. "How about some Richard Marx? Gwen loved him in school!"

"What lovesick teenage girl didn't?" Ianto murmurs. Catrin laughs and goes for their drinks as he pulls up all the early nineties music he can, throwing in some Bryan Adams for good measure and actually chuckling to himself as he recalls his own early teenage years watching his sister moon around the house listening to sappy love songs.

"Here you go!" Catrin hands him another glass, and he drinks half; he can always get a ride home with Tosh. He sets the playlist to start and stands up straight, watching the room, wondering where Jack went and then putting it from his mind. Catrin motions toward a table, and they sit down to talk.

"So Jack is the man in the long coat?" Catrin asks. "Your boss?"

Ianto nods. "Yep. Hard to miss."

"Bit of a personality, yeah," she says, glancing down before meeting his eyes. "Do you usually dance with your boss?"

"Ah, no," he says, laughing quietly through his nose. "First time, actually."

"Are you—" she starts, and he stops her, trying to head off that topic of conversation.

"I thought he could use a distraction," Ianto tells her. "Not sure weddings are his thing."

"Right," Catrin says. "It was somewhat intense out there."

"My thoughts exactly," he replies dryly, thinking it's quite the understatement. He wonders what Tosh and Owen thought, if even a stranger noticed.

She smiles crookedly. "You didn't answer my question, though. Even if you cut in for a distraction, you seemed awfully close. Are you together?"

Ianto takes another long sip of his champagne. Unsure of his motivations—jealousy, resentment, frustration?—he's not sure how to answer honestly, especially after a long and trying day. Then he remembers that Catrin and all the others will have to be Retconned, so he's got nothing to lose. Not with her, and with Jack…well, he's not sure he has anything to lose there either, or if it matters anymore. He's too tired and disappointed to worry about it.

"Not really," he finally answers with a shrug. "We date on and off, sort of a friends with benefits kind of thing." He idly wonders what Jack would think of his answer, and decides once again it doesn't matter.

"Oh." She pauses. "Are you gay then? Or…" She trails off, the question unsaid. Ianto is glad he's talking with a stranger; it's awkward enough, and he suspects having to go through this with someone he knows will be ten times harder when the time comes. He shakes his head.

"Nope, just…open to the possibilities." He shrugs again, because it expresses everything he feels in a single gesture. It's an answer Jack would probably appreciate, and Ianto half wishes he had a better response.

"And you're not…taken?" she asks. He thinks he hears hope but hesitation, and he can't blame her for the latter, not really. She saw him dancing rather intimately with a man, after all; it's probably hard for her to know where she stands with him at the moment.

"Not that I'm aware of," he tells her. Because it's true; he and Jack rarely talk about what they're doing. Ianto is not one to dip his toes into other pools, so to speak, but he has no idea whether Jack does the same. His behavior that day certainly seems to indicate Jack has thoughts and desires about others, and though Ianto doubts that Jack followed through on them with Gwen, it's entirely possible he has elsewhere with others. He's always going on about his bloody 51st century mores and morals, after all. Ianto wonders if he's not due some fun of his own by those 51st century standards, but almost flushes with the guilt that comes with such shallow thoughts.

"Good," says Catrin. "Then we can dance some more." And she pulls him up before he has a chance to finish his last sip of champagne. The power ballad playing in the background brings back more memories, but this time they are of better nights with Jack.


	3. Chapter 3

III.

"Ianto seems to be really hitting it off with Catrin," says Rhys, as they sit out a dance in the back and watch the guests on the floor. Gwen is leaning against his shoulder, enjoying a moment away from the crowds and noise. It has quite possibly been the most intense and unbelievable day of her life, but it couldn't have been more perfect, even with the alien pregnancy.

She watches Ianto, torn between a frown and a smile. He looks good, like he's having fun, and she's happy for him, and for Rhys's cousin. Yet at the same time, she thinks about him and Jack, and Owen's words earlier, and she wonders if she has something to do with the fact that Ianto is dancing with Catrin and not Jack.

"I thought you said he and Jack had a thing going," Rhys continues, sipping some champagne. It's certainly flowing freely, and their pocketbooks will feel it, but that's okay because it's much needed and well deserved. "They danced together earlier and everything quite looked cozy. My old aunt's eyes about fell out."

"I thought so too," Gwen replies. "But maybe…" She trails off. Maybe Jack and Ianto aren't 'doing whatever they're doing,' as Owen so eloquently put it. Maybe they broke up. Or maybe they aren't that serious, are in a more open relationship. Which makes her guiltily wonder why Jack has always pushed her toward Rhys, if he's free to see others. Which in turn brings back the memory of the kiss in her room, when she'd been so sure Jack was there for her. She'd been trying hard to deny it, to resist, but she's been following Jack since the moment she met him. She loves Rhys with all her heart, but she will always want what she can't have, even when she knows it's wrong.

"Gwen?" Rhys asks, nudging her. She sits up straighter and meets his concerned gaze. "You all right? It's been a long day, and you were pregnant only a few hours ago."

"I'm fine," she tells him. "I was thinking about Jack and Ianto, actually. And why Ianto is dancing with Catrin and not Jack."

"Maybe he's playing for the other team today?" Rhys suggests, earning a skeptical look from Gwen. "What? I don't know how it works. Or maybe if bloody Jack stopped with the gloom and doom routine, Ianto wouldn't be having fun elsewhere."

"What do you mean?" she asks, and Rhys rolls his eyes.

"I mean, it's not hard to see, Gwen. He's obviously having a hard time with the wedding."

"It was crashed by an alien in front of dozens of people," Gwen points out.

"And you know he loved running up and announcing it, not to mention blowing the thing to pieces in the barn." Rhys shakes his head and looks out at the guests, away from her. "No, he's been watching you all day."

Gwen considers how to phrase her response. Rhys is more perceptive than she usually gives him credit for, and she doesn't want to hurt him. "Jack has always told me to hold on to my normal life, not to let it drift. I think he might see all this as finally pulling me away from Torchwood."

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Rhys asks, and holds up a hand when she starts to protest. "I know you don't think so, but maybe if there was no Torchwood, we might have had a regular wedding without a crazy alien mum chasing us down for its offspring. Did you ever think of that?"

"I think about it all the time, Rhys," she murmurs with a smile. "Every day. But you know I can't give it up, not now. Not after all I've seen and done."

He is silent for a moment, before turning to press a kiss to her temple. "I know, love, and I wouldn't ask you to. Not yet, anyway," he adds. "You've developed a hero complex almost as big as Captain Jack's, I suspect."

"I have not!" she exclaims. "It's about protecting people, protecting the planet."

He laughs quietly at her, and she pouts, and he kisses her again. "And you love being the hero who protects the planet. It's why you became a copper in the first place, isn't it?" She hasn't thought about it, the connection between her old life and her new, and when she doesn't answer, he continues by wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. "Just be careful, okay? I don't want to lose you now that we're official and all."

She snuggles close to him, content. "I love you," she murmurs.

"I love you too," he says. "So what are we going to do about Catrin and Ianto? Double date sometime?"

Gwen bursts out laughing, then sobers immediately at the thought. She can't picture it. On the one hand, Ianto deserves a normal life as much as any of them, yet he's even more bound up with Torchwood than she is. And with Jack. What would it mean for Ianto and Jack, if Ianto started dating Catrin Williams?

"I don't know," she says. "It might be a one-time kind of thing. I'm still surprised he's not with Jack."

Rhys snorts. "I think the bloke is doing fine on his own, Gwen. Leave it alone."

Gwen glances around the room. "Where is Jack? Have you seen him?"

Rhys nods. "He left a while ago. Stood up and saw them on the dance floor, then turned and left. Tucked tail and ran, most likely. You've said he's quite a flirt, but I bet he can't stand a good dose of his own medicine."

"His own medicine?" she asks, and Rhys simply waves at Ianto and Catrin. Gwen stands, suddenly concerned.

"I should find him, see if he's all right."

Rhys tugs her hand. "No, it's none of your business, Gwen."

"But Rhys, what if he's upset? I should—"

"You should enjoy your wedding. Come on, let's dance." A new song starts, and he pulls her out to the dance floor and holds her close. She tries to protest, but he stops her.

"For once, leave Jack and Torchwood out of this, out of _us_ , all right?" he asks, speaking softly. "I don't want my bride running after another man hours after we've just tied the knot. Especially a smooth-talking, handsome American."

She can hear the uncertainty in his voice, and realizes he suspects things. He's always had his insecurities when it comes to Jack and Torchwood, but he's also trusted her. And when it comes to Jack, she's stayed faithful, in action if not in thought. He's absolutely right anyway. They've just been married, and she should be enjoying her special day, not worrying about Jack Harkness. She's with Rhys now, forever. Whether or not Jack is with Ianto doesn't matter. She's made her choice, and with a smile and a feeling of peace and contentment that it was the right choice, she kisses her new husband and looks forward to spending the rest of her life with him.

* * *

The party is slowing down, and Ianto knows it won't be long before they will need to start the Retcon. He considers gently letting Catrin down, as they've been together for over an hour now and it's clear she's interested in him, but decides to check in with the others first. Jack is nowhere to be found, so he catches Tosh's eye and excuses himself for a moment, promising at least one last dance before the night ends.

"Having fun?" Tosh teases him immediately. "You certainly look like it."

Ianto rolls his eyes. "Well, we did stop an alien parasite from destroying the wedding, so I figure I earned a few drinks and dances."

"You're looking awfully cozy with that bird," Owen remarks. "Get her number yet?"

"No, Owen, I did not get her number," Ianto replies. "We have to Retcon them all, so it's not like I could call her up and accidentally trigger her memories, could I?"

"Oh," says Tosh, looking sad for him. "I didn't think of that. Maybe you could still call her, but tell her Gwen gave you her number."

He shakes his head. "It's fine. She's…nice, really, but we're working, we're Torchwood…" He sighs. "Normal things like meeting someone special at a wedding don't happen for us."

Tosh shakes her head. "Gwen got her normal. There's no reason the rest of us can't too."

"I'm dead," says Owen with a bitter snort. "I'm about as far from normal as things get."

They stand there for a moment in silence, until Ianto breaks the gloomy mood by clearing his throat. "So what's the plan for the Retcon? Has Jack said anything? How much, how long, what's the cover story?"

Tosh exchanges a look with Owen that Ianto wants to ignore but doesn't. "What's wrong?" he asks, more sharply than he intends. "Are we not Retconning the room after all?"

"I don't see why we wouldn't," says Tosh. "Only I haven't seen Jack for a while. He sort of left when…earlier…" She trails off, obviously uncomfortable. Ianto feels a slight tug of panic in his gut.

"Left the room? The wedding? Or the—" He doesn't say 'the planet' even though he's thinking it, and Tosh knows he's thinking it because she pats his arm in understanding.

"No, he left the room. We were talking and he…he stepped out," she finishes lamely. Ianto knows she's leaving something out, but lets it go. He's too relieved that Jack is still on Earth; he wouldn't have been surprised if Jack had watched Gwen get married and run off with his Doctor again. The thought makes him abruptly angry, not only at Jack, but at himself for thinking it and letting it bother him so much.

"Okay, well, I think things are slowing down, and we'll want to start slipping Retcon into the drinks before people leave. Maybe Gwen and Rhys can make one last toast?" Tosh nods while Owen gives a 'whatever' shrug. "Then why don't you two start with the champagne and I'll start winding down the music. I'll also let Gwen know what's going on and call them up for a final speech. Sound like a plan?"

They nod and move off, although Tosh turns to talk to him before leaving. "Ianto, about Jack," she starts, and he raises an eyebrow.

"What about him?" he asks, deliberately misunderstanding her. "We should probably let him know what's happening since he's decided to disappear. Maybe you can track him down?"

"Right, of course," she says, then takes a breath. "I'm sorry it didn't work out today," she says quickly. He smiles at her concern.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," he replies. "It's been a hard day for everyone."

"But not everyone acted like a jerk to their—" she starts, and he holds up a hand to stop her.

"It's fine, Tosh," he says. "It's not like that. It's not…anything," he finishes. He has a sudden flash of insight. If it's not anything, this non-thing between him and Jack, then it can't hurt when it doesn't live up to expectations. When Jack stares longingly at someone, or when Jack leaves him behind again. It makes perfect sense, and he smiles to himself at the solution. He'd been awfully close to thinking it was more, but the day's events have clearly proved otherwise, and if he doesn't allow himself to think of it as anything, it won't hurt every time it turns out to be less.

In theory.

"Oh, Ianto," she says, throwing her arms around his neck. He pats her back and tells himself it's fine, even though it _does_ hurt, but he'll get over it. He did before, when Jack left, and now he can go back to what it was when they first started, when it was a bit of fun on the side and they were both free to come and go as they pleased.

Maybe he should get Catrin's number after all. He sends Tosh off with Owen to lace the drinks and hurries back to the music table. Catrin appears and helps him set up the last set of songs, and he leads her out to the dance floor, determined to end the night better than it began, even if she won't remember a thing, and he won't ever call her.


	4. Chapter 4

IV.

Jack is a coward. He knows this, as well as he knows that he's going to live forever. Immortality doesn't make him brave, it simply enables him to do things other people can't do without fear for the consequences. He's not afraid to die, or to get seriously injured, because he won't die forever and his injuries will heal. So if he can sacrifice himself for the good of others, it's not courage, it's practical. He can, so he does, and he always comes back.

But when it comes to matters of the heart and not the body—that's when his cowardice rears its ugly head. When he shuts down, denies everything, turns and runs. Because his heart won't heal. He carries every love and every loss within it, and he's terrified of carrying more, of collecting nothing but loss for the rest of eternity. Sometimes he can't breathe through the fear, that one day soon he'll lose the people he cares about, the people he loves. So he keeps his distance and tells himself it's casual, it's fun, and if he gets too close to falling in love, he runs. It's served him well for decades, with those few exceptions where he fell anyway and suffered the broken heart, the scars building upon scars.

He's lost Gwen. Not literally, and not even proverbially, and yet, even though she was never his, he's lost her. It is utterly ridiculous, and he realized it hours ago but can't shake the unsettled feeling in his chest. Since meeting Gwen Cooper, Jack has counted on her interest, her desire, her adoration, and even her love, and now it is all for Rhys. As it should be, and his heart doesn't feel the loss, it is his ego. She challenges him and pushes him and sometimes drives him mad, because she sees him as someone he's not, but someone he wants to be. He's tried so hard to be that hero, who will push him to be that now?

He suspects that as the dust settles he'll feel relieved. Less pressure to be something he's clearly not, especially when he has to be the villain. He can go back to being Jack Harkness, the man trying to survive eternity, and not Jack Harkness, the infallible dashing leader.

But Jack Harkness the man is a fool and a heel. A fool, because he knows exactly _why_ he feels this way, what he's actually upset about, and a heel because he's done a great job of not only denying it for weeks, but of completely botching it that day and alienating the very person he truly fears losing. And given the look on Ianto's face when he cut into Jack's dance with Gwen, and the fact that he's now dancing with a lovely young woman and actually smiling, Jack thinks he has indeed lost something—someone—he cares about.

He knew this would happen someday: the fall, and the pain upon landing. He'd realized his feelings before, when he was in Hell, but he'd also buried that experience deep and carried on as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't been devastated by Ianto's betrayal in Hell, by the thought of being used, by having to kill him. Of course he was—he'd had nightmares for days—but it hadn't really happened, so it had been easy to set aside and forget, to explain his feelings as a product of his experience in Hell. Easy to carry on as they were.

Only now it's possible they are nothing anymore, and the thought of that hurts even more than watching Gwen get married. He doesn't feel nearly the same way about Gwen as he feels about Ianto. Ianto is different, special, important. He is deeper than he appears and stronger than he thinks, and he has grounded Jack more than anyone has in years. And he's inside right now having a great time with someone else. The thought hurts, though Jack hadn't thought himself one to get jealous; he should be making plans for a threesome. Yet the image barely manifests. Instead he's sad, because it means once again he's alone.

Standing at the railing outside, gazing at the dark sky, Jack hangs his head and sighs. It's going to be awkward now, working with someone he cares about and still wants. But there's nothing he can do; he's messed up and let Ianto slip away. The other man deserves better anyway, but just once, Jack wouldn't mind his own happy ending.

There is a sound behind him, and Tosh and Owen are standing there, looking awkward and uncomfortable. Jack stands, running a hand over his face to wipe away the sadness. He can tell he's failed by the look of pity on Tosh's face.

"Hi Jack," she says softly. "Sorry to interrupt, but I think things are slowing down, and it'll be time to Retcon the guests soon."

"Right," he says with a nod. "Wipe the blood thirsty alien from their memory, let them think it was some crazy drunk."

Owen snorts. "Right. Good luck with that."

"We've planted far more improbable stories," Jack replies. "We need to make sure Gwen and Rhys know so they can back it up when the phone calls start." He pauses. "Unless they've changed their mind and want to forget too."

"I doubt it," says Owen. "They kicked alien ass and still managed to get married. Leave 'em alone."

"I'll ask anyway," says Jack. "All right, so what's the plan?"

Tosh exchanges a look with Owen that Jack can't read. "Ianto suggested Gwen and Rhys make one last champagne toast. He's starting to wind down the music."

"Oh," says Jack, taken aback by the fact that even though Ianto is off having fun, he's obviously still more on top of things than Jack. "Okay then. Sounds like you've got it covered. I'll go back to—"

"Moping?" suggests Owen. "I don't think so. Enough is enough. You can help me with the Retcon."

Jack raises an eyebrow. "Yes, sir," he says, forcing himself to levity when he'd rather snap at Owen to mind his own business. Owen rolls his eyes.

"I could help him if you wanted to dance with Ianto again," Tosh says in a rush. "Before the night is over."

Jack glances down, actually finding himself slightly embarrassed at his transparency. She'd called him out earlier, and now she's trying to help. He forces a smile when he glances up. "It's okay, Tosh. I think he's having a good time. I don't want to spoil that."

"Jack," she says. "Don't be stubborn. Go make it right."

"Make what right?" Jack asks. "And how? By ruining what could be a good thing for him? I can't do that."

"It's not like he's going home with her," Owen points out. "She's not going to remember any of this, including him. So you may as well try to make up for being an arse all night."

"Thanks Owen, but it's—" Jack starts, but the doctor cuts him off.

"It's none of my business, I know," Owen replies. "Only you've been out here brooding, and I don't think it's because Gwen's got herself a happy ending. I think it's because you might have lost one of yours. So go get it back."

Tosh is looking at Owen in surprise. Jack stares as well, until Owen frowns. "What? I think you like him, and he's a good man who for some reason seems to not only put up with you, but like you too. So go apologize, enjoy one more dance, and work it out—one way or the other. I don't want to come in to work and end up in the middle of an awkward domestic."

"Thanks for the concern," Jack says dryly. "And the brutal honesty."

"He's right, Jack," Tosh says softly. "You should talk to him. You can't ignore everything that's happened today."

"Of course I can," says Jack, with a crooked grin. "It's what I do. Easier that way."

Tosh purses her lips together. "Fine. Then I'll let Ianto know when we're ready with the champagne. And I'll drive him home. You can keep telling yourself it doesn't matter and that you don't care, but we all know you're wrong. At least Ianto knows it now too."

Without another word, she turns and stalks away, leaving them standing there, staring after her. Jack exchanges an awkward look with Owen and tucks his hands in his pockets, not knowing what to say.

"That's you told," Owen says. "And since she agreed with me, I'll agree with her. Don't sweep it under the rug. It's not fair to him, to you, or to the rest of us. And it's up to you to make the first move on this, Jack, not him. At the very least you owe him an apology, so go cut in and apologize."

He motions toward the door. Jack looks inside and sees Ianto dancing, and his throat tightens. What can he do, what can he say, to make this better? He swallows thickly, nods at Owen, and goes back inside, dreading the endgame.

* * *

The second to last song has started, and Ianto is still dancing with Catrin. He's enjoyed her company and is even grateful to her for spending so much time with him, otherwise he'd have been by himself at the music table, lost in dark thoughts about relationships and marriage and the future, and his lack of all three. Instead, he's been able to have fun, talking and laughing and dancing almost as if he were normal, but now that the night is ending, he finds his melancholy returning. Even if he wanted to see her again, he couldn't. In an hour, she won't remember him or much else about the wedding.

He's doesn't regret meeting her, or Retconning her, but the end of the night means returning to work, to Torchwood, to Jack, and he's not sure what that means anymore. He's not sure what he _wants_ it to mean. Like he told Tosh, they don't get to do normal; Gwen is a clear exception. He's envious of her for that, and yet at the same time, he's not sure normal is for him anymore. Would he want a partner outside of Torchwood, someone living in the regular world with a regular job? Someone waiting at home for him every night, worrying about him when he didn't return? A partner, a house, a dog? Children?

A part of him would, but he recognizes how difficult it would be, and any envy and resentment he feels toward Gwen evaporates as he thinks about how hard it will be for her and Rhys now, to balance Torchwood with their normal life. Still, if anyone is strong-willed enough to manage it, it's the woman who walked down the aisle carrying an alien fetus and a semi-automatic.

Ianto is lost in his thoughts and doesn't even notice Jack walking up to them until he taps Catrin on the shoulder and they stop. She glances up at Jack in surprise, then at Ianto, then back at Jack.

"I was wondering if I could cut in for a dance before the night's over?" Jack asks, with no hint of bravado whatsoever. He is unusually serious, and Catrin must sense it, because she nods and steps away immediately. Tosh catches her at the edge of the dance floor, handing her a glass that is most likely laced with Retcon now. They stand there together, talking and watching him and Jack. Ianto does not like the attention, and finds he is surprisingly disappointed now that she will be Retconned for sure. Apparently some small part of him had hoped otherwise.

"Hi," says Jack, holding out his hand for the dance. Ianto nods and takes his hand; they shuffle around as they did earlier, and it's even more awkward than before.

"It's been a hell of a day," Jack says softly. "You did good."

"I did it for Gwen and Rhys," Ianto replies rather stiffly, wondering where Jack is going with his comments, why he's even talking at all.

"Did you—" Jack interrupts himself, starts over, his voice lighter. "Did you get her number then? Your admirer?"

Ianto snorts at the term. "I'm not sure I'd call her that. She's actually one of Rhys's cousins, and no, I didn't get her number. She won't remember me, if that glass Tosh handed her is what I think it is."

Jack nodded. "Yeah, Tosh and Owen have almost finished with the Retcon and champagne. They said I could take one more spin on the floor."

"I'm surprised you came back in," Ianto offers.

"Cold outside," Jack replies lightly. Ianto sighs and remains silent and stiff. As much as he would like to relax in Jack's arms, he can't. It doesn't feel right, not then. Jack's response is to pull him tighter, closer, and it takes a great effort for Ianto to not pull back.

"I'm sorry," Jack whispers in his ear, and Ianto thinks the other man's voice catches. He clears his throat and presses his cheek against Ianto's. "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," Ianto replies, even though it's not. He's not even sure what Jack is apologizing for, if Jack know what's he's apologizing for. It feels like something is ending, though, and the thought that Jack recognizes it too and is apologizing for it makes Ianto's heart break far more than he thought it would. "It's been a hard day for everyone."

Jack holds him tighter. "It's not what you think," he says softly. They are moving so slowly they are barely moving.

"I don't know what to think anymore," Ianto says. "At least about this. About other things, it's fairly clear, and it is what it is, Jack. We never made any promises, any commitments. We did what we did, lived in the moment." He's talking in past tense and wonders if Jack notices.

Jack sucks in a breath, and Ianto feels him frowning. "But now?"

"Now I can't help thinking about the future," says Ianto. "I'm not going to have Gwen's life, not ever, and I'm not sure I'd want it, but sometimes I …" He sighs, shakes his head. "Sometimes I can't helping wanting more, even if I can never actually have it."

"You can," Jack tells him. "You can have what you want, Ianto. You just have to say it."

"That's the thing, though," Ianto replies. "I don't know what I want, exactly, and even if I did, I've been through enough to know it's probably an impossible dream. We're Torchwood…I'm Torchwood. It's better to set it aside and move on."

"Is that what you want to do?" Jack asks so quietly, so unsteadily, that Ianto is surprised at the fear he hears in Jack's voice. "To set it aside and move on?"

"Depending on what we're talking about," Ianto replies carefully. "Yeah, sometimes I do." He doesn't, not really, but at the same time, he's not happy with that part of his life anymore.

Jack's feet stop. Ianto meets his eyes, finding them sad and bright. "I don't want to move on," Jack whispers.

"I should think after today it's obvious none of us can always have what we want," Ianto replies.

"Tell me what you want," Jack practically begs. "And I will give it to you!"

"Only because you can't give it to anyone else," Ianto replies quickly. "Because you can't have what _you_ want."

Jack opens his mouth to reply, but Ianto holds up a hand, steps back. "Not here, Jack. Not now. This isn't the time or place."

"To break up?" Jack exclaims. "No, it's not. It's a _wedding_. That's usually where people—"

"Stop it!" Ianto hisses. "We have a job to do."

Jack's face contorts; not with anger, but with all sorts of other emotions Ianto is not used to seeing. Jack shakes his head, grabs Ianto's hand, and makes some kind of motion to Tosh, who nods in apparent understanding. Ianto wants to pull his hand away, hold his ground, but senses it would do no good at that moment. Jack seems determined to have it out, so they may as well head to the garden and have it out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's tough, yet I can't help but think that's the reality of this day for them. The next chapter should wrap things up, but may take a few extra days as Jack and Ianto are still working it out. It will also alternate between their two points of view. Thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

V.

Jack is upset. A part of him is angry with himself, for letting it come to this; another part of him is scared, and that part tends to lash out when threatened. He tries to stay calm, but his heart is racing as he takes Ianto's hand and practically drags him through the room and outside into the dark garden. He continues to a far corner, in case things get loud, and not in the fun way; he senses Ianto is as upset as he is.

"Tell me what you want," Jack says, his tone short and desperate, then tries again when Ianto drops his hand and backs up in defense. "Please," he says, lowering his voice. "I need to know."

"I don't know what I want," Ianto says, crossing his arms over his chest. "But sometimes…sometimes I _don't_ want this anymore."

"You mean, us?" Jack asks, and Ianto nods. "Why?"

Ianto shakes his head, laughing bitterly. "Maybe because you have to ask," he says, though he knows it's unfair to expect Jack to read his mind. So he takes a deep breath and plunges forward, determined to finally put to voice all the silent thoughts he's had over the weeks and months since he first met Jack, started sleeping with him, started dating him. It's still a complicated muddle in his mind, but maybe if he can articulate something concrete, they can both move on.

"I don't want to feel like I'm in limbo anymore," he tells Jack, earning both a surprised yet confused look in return. "Everything about this…about us…is a study in mixed signals, right from the very beginning. And I know I'm just as guilty at times, especially at first," he adds, holding up a hand to stop any protest. "After Lisa. But since you've come back…I don't know where I stand."

Jack is silent, so Ianto continues, his shoulders loosening as the words tumble out.

"I won't get into anything that happened right before you left, but when you came back, you asked me on a date. Not one of the others, but me. And we've had some amazing dates, actually leaving work behind and doing something relatively normal," he says, then sighs. "Yet for every date, every moment when things seemed to be going well, when it even seemed like it was more than casual, there was always something that seemed to contradict that. Something that said otherwise—moments with Gwen, with Michael, with others. Things you refused to say or do or share."

"Like what?" Jack asks sharply. He can guess at some of the things Ianto is hinting at, but if he's going to try to make things right between them, he needs to know. And he wants to make things right, even if the outcome isn't the one he's hoping for. It's clear he's hurt Ianto; he needs the Welshman to understand that he never meant to hurt him, and that it will always be one of his biggest regrets that he has.

"What do you want, a list of grievances?" Ianto asks in exasperation, and Jack nods.

"Actually, I do. I want to know. Please." He can tell Ianto is holding back an eye roll; he holds back one of his own.

"I know it was a difficult year for you, but you've not shared much, even when you wake up in the middle of the night because of it. Your ex-partner tries to kill us all, but I don't know anything more about him other than that he's a raging psychopath."

Jack tries not to flinch. "That's about all you need to know, honestly."

"I don't know who Grey is," Ianto continues, gazing away from him into the night. "I don't know what happened to you in Hell. I don't need to know your secrets, not really. I know you have a lot, if only for having lived so long. But I don't think you want to tell me, and I'd like to feel as if you trust me enough to share those sorts of things. I'd even like to be able to share some myself, I think."

He toes the ground, and Jack wishes there wasn't this strange void between them, that he could reach out for comfort, but when he takes a step closer, Ianto tenses and glances up, continuing his almost brutally honest answer.

"I know you like your coffee black, your showers hot, and your sex rough, but how do you really feel about us? Most of the time I know nothing, at least nothing that matters." He sighs and shrugs. "But then, it isn't like that for us is it?"

"It could be," Jack answers. He receives an unexpectedly angry response in return.

"No, it can't," Ianto snaps, unable to hold back his frustration any longer. "Because at this point I'll always wonder whether or not it's real, whether you actually mean it."

Jack looks like he's been slapped and turns away, his mouth open. When he turns around again, his face is blank, though his eyes are unfathomably sad. "You are the one person I have always counted on to believe in me."

Ianto shakes his head. "I didn't say I don't believe in you, Jack. I will always believe in you as our leader, as the man who always knows what to do, and the only one who can do it. I don't think I could ever lose _that_ faith in you. But believing what you say about _us_? I don't know how I can anymore."

"Why?" Jack grounds out, and Ianto tucks his hands into his pockets. He needs time to think and glances around, notices a low stone wall and nods toward it before walking over. He sits down, and Jack sits beside him, though there is distance between them, as there has been almost all day.

"Because you often say one thing and do another," Ianto says. "After we sent Tommy back, I thought…well, I thought things were different between us, like we'd reached an unsaid understanding about what we were doing, how we felt about it. A few weeks later you're back to your on-again-off-again with Gwen, practically beside yourself at the thought of having to Retcon her."

Jack sucks in a breath. "That's not fair," he says. "I don't want to Retcon any of you. I don't want to lose anyone!"

"You threatened to shoot me," Ianto snapped.

"And you did shoot me!"

"Owen shot you. I watched."

"You _betrayed_ me," Jack says. "Twice."

"And you left," Ianto retorts. The argument stops, both of them breathing deeply to regain a sense of calm.

"I have never wanted to hurt you," Jack tells him, wishing he could convince the man beside him of something, anything.

"And yet you have," Ianto replies softly. "You said you came back for me, but you haven't let me in, so what's the point? We've spent so much time together, so many amazing nights, and yet during the Tretarri case, you turned and left with barely a word instead of asking for support. And for all the things you've whispered in my ear in the heat of the moment, there's always another Idris Hopper, or Michael Bellini, or Gwen Cooper." He blows out a breath. "A man can only take so much of feeling second class, second choice. I don't want to be a casual distraction anymore, Jack. I can't."

Jack tries to hide his reaction, stung by the painful honesty of Ianto's words. He realizes almost immediately that his own determination to remain distant and unattached has made things even worse. Because Ianto is exactly right. Bad enough that Jack has kept his thoughts, his feelings, and his past close; everything else he's done has only solidified the impression of casual, of uncaring. It's a wonder Ianto has stayed with him for so long.

"I don't know what to say," Jack whispers, his eyes closing as he tries to hold back tears. "I don't know what to do."

Ianto shrugs. "I'm not sure what else there is to say, what you can do. If it helps, I get it." Jack turns to look at him, his eyes bright. "I understand not wanting to get close to someone, not wanting to care too much. It hurts less in the end."

"It hurts pretty bad right now," Jack murmurs, and it brings a sad smile to Ianto's face. He tucks his hands under his legs to keep them warm.

"Yes, it does," he replies. He takes a deep breath. "I'll miss a lot of thing about this, about us. And not only the sex," he adds with an eye roll. "I suppose what I'll miss most is the potential for more. I think it could have been great. But I won't miss not knowing and always doubting."

Jack jumps down from the wall and stands in front of Ianto. "Then stop doubting. Let's make it more."

Ianto stares at him as if he's gone mad, and Jack knows it's entirely possible he has. He knows he's setting himself up for another fall, another broken heart, but Owen was right about Jack's happy ending. This could be it, right now. He throws caution to the wind for the first time in years, confidence surging that this is what he wants, this is _right._ It has everything to do with the man before him, not the woman behind him, and he will fight for it.

"I don't know if I can do that anymore," Ianto says quietly. "If you had asked before…before today, all this, then maybe I could. But now…Jack, it still feels like I'm the convenient, available, second choice."

"You're not," Jack says, smiling because he knows Ianto is wrong, and he will convince him. He'll do whatever it takes.

"We're at a wedding!" Ianto exclaims. "We just watched our coworker get married…a coworker we both know you have some sort of feelings for. You can't expect me to suddenly believe you want more with me now that she's officially off limits." He snorts. "Like that usually stops you anyway."

Jack should be offended, but he's not. Ianto has a point, and while he may be right about Gwen, it's not in the way he suspects, and Ianto is wrong about everything else.

"It probably wouldn't stop me, if that's what I truly wanted," Jack replies, not without some guilt. He's caused his fair share of problems when it comes to such things, and he feels badly about most of them. "But it's not what I want, and it hasn't been for a long time. I need you to believe that."

Ianto frowns and looks away. "The evidence proves otherwise," he points out again, still feeling frustrated. He opens his mouth to say more, then stops. He doesn't want to keep going in circles.

"To you," says Jack, nodding in agreement. "And apparently to a few others who've had their go at me as well. But you see things through your own eyes, your own experiences. You come to conclusions based on your life, your morals, what you see and believe. You—"

"Hang on," Ianto says, holding up a hand and stopping him. "Don't you dare blame me and my 20th century upbringing. Quite frankly, you lived through the _entire_ 20th century. I should think it would have rubbed off on you more!"

"And it has!" Jack exclaims, stepping closer and reaching out. Ianto shakes his head, and Jack sighs. "I'm not blaming you or your times. I'm saying that you and Tosh and Owen may see something and interpret it differently from what I see. From what I feel." Ianto motions him to continue. It's not like he hasn't considered the possibility, that the tension between Jack and Gwen wasn't quite what it seemed. He only hopes Jack isn't spinning him a tale to get him back into bed, then sets aside the thought as unworthy. Jack seems sincere, and deserves his honest consideration.

Jack takes a deep breath and begins talking before he loses courage. "You said inside that you were thinking about the future," he says. "So was I. And the past as well."

"The past?" asks Ianto, and Jack nods sadly.

"Believe it or not, I've been married before," he replies. "A long, long time ago."

Ianto doesn't reply, doesn't even blink in surprise. He is silent, though after a moment he nods. "I see. So today brought back those memories?"

"It did," says Jack. "Of many things—of my wife, of being married, of trying out the normal life. I was such a different person back then. I suspected I'd outlive everyone, but I hadn't yet realized or experienced how much that would hurt. I've had decades since to understand, and after a while I decided I couldn't do it anymore. Fall in love, live happily ever after. Because it always ends."

He sees the sympathy in Ianto's eyes and is grateful for it, that he hasn't hurt the other man so badly that Ianto feels nothing for him anyone.

"I'm sorry," Ianto offers. "It must be even harder for you."

"It's harder than dying, than coming back," Jack admits. "Sometimes I think it will drive me mad one day, outliving everyone I know and love for eternity." His voice cracks as he articulates one of his deepest fears. He's not sure he can continue.

"How does that…" Ianto is trying hard to speak carefully. He has no wish to hurt Jack further; he's not petty and vindictive and never has been, no matter how much he's been hurt. He is, however, somewhat perplexed. "What does that have to do with the future?"

Jack smiles at him, as if he's asked exactly the right question. "I know that you, and probably the others, assume I was thinking about Gwen. And I was, I still am, but not in the sense that I wanted to be up there with her." Ianto's heart almost drops out of his chest as Jack voices his exact fear, that Jack wanted to be standing at the altar with Gwen Cooper. Yet a small voice whispers that if Jack had wanted that, he could have had it a long time ago. Gwen would have come running the moment he crooked his finger at her. Yet he's always held her at arm's length, pressed her to hold on to Rhys Williams and her normal life outside Torchwood. Ianto, not for the first time, wonders why. He doesn't ask, though, because Jack continues.

"I never really wanted that with her," Jack says. His gaze is distant, as if looking at Ianto as he speaks is too difficult. Ianto decides he can't watch Jack's face anyway, and stares at the ground. "I always knew, deep down, that it would never work. She sees me as something I'm not, something better, and to be honest, I liked that. And now…now I feel like I've lost that."

Jack laughs quietly to himself. "Although honestly, I think her vision of me shattered not long after I came back. I know my vision of her changed that day. She…well, she seemed different. Stronger, yet more manipulative. The questioning and pushing was worse than ever. I sometimes wonder if she was angry at me for not pursuing her. But I knew it was wrong, that it would never work. For one, I could never talk to her like I talk to you _ **."**_

Ianto blows out a breath and looks up at him. "You don't talk to me, Jack. I'm about to go into shock from how much you've said in the last ten minutes."

Jack laughs silently. "I know. But you're wrong—I do talk to you. I keep my secrets, but I've also shared more of them with you than anyone in years. You know my biggest secret, my immortality. And you accepted it. The last person who knew…she left." His voice cracks as he thinks about Lucia and Melissa. "And she didn't just leave me, she ran and hid as far away as she could."

"I'm sorry," Ianto murmurs. "That's a terrible thing to do."

Jack shrugs. "She thought I was wrong. She's not the only one."

"The Doctor." Ianto nods. This, at least, Jack has shared with him. The reason he'd been waiting for so long, why he'd run after the Doctor that day, the hard answers to his desperate questions.

"Yes," Jack replies. "But that's not the point I'm trying to make. It's that I have shared more of myself with you than I have with most people, and I'm ready to share more. To talk about the year I was gone, about my brother and my past, the Time Agency and what they took from me. I don't want you to feel like I don't trust you. You keep me grounded, here and now, and I want to share more of my life with you."

"Why?" Ianto asks. He'd told himself he wasn't going to ask such a direct question, but he can't help it. Though much of what Jack says makes sense, Ianto can't help but question his motives for saying them. Is Jack still mourning Gwen's loss to married life with Rhys Williams? Is he simply feeling lonely? Why does he want to be with Ianto now when he's spent months keeping his distance?

"Because I want you," Jack replies, and hurries on as he sees Ianto start to roll his eyes. "Because I like you. Because I'm obviously wildly attracted to you, but I also care about you. I trust you. And I want this to be more." His heart is racing from being so wildly exposed, and he's not sure how Ianto is taking it. The other man's face is mostly a portrait of confusion and doubt. Ianto stands, apparently needing to move, and runs a hand through his hair as he paces.

"Ianto?" Jack asks. "What are you thinking?" He half dreads the answer, imagines the Welshman lashing out at him.

Ianto turns, hands on his hips, the look on his face so very similar to the one months ago, when Jack had nervously asked him on a date. He'd looked as surprised and confused then as he does now. He shrugs his reply. "I don't know what to think."

Jack nods. "Okay. I understand. That was pretty intense, especially for me."

"Intense?" A nervous laugh explodes from the other man's mouth as he turns, walks, turns back. "Jack, it's not intense, it's…it's…"

"It's true," Jack tells him, stepping closer, and this time Ianto does not move away. He is not ready to accept Jack at his word, to believe that he means what he's saying, but Jack's physical presence has always calmed him. If he grounds Jack in this time and place _ **,**_ Jack does the same for him, grounding him in his body when he'd otherwise get lost in his head, in thoughts and dreams.

Ianto wants to believe him—and a part of him does, the part that sees the sincerity in his eyes. But Ianto also realizes that there is more he doesn't know about Jack than what he does, and that part of him can't help but wonder. Even if Jack means what he's saying right now, will he mean it the next day? In a week? A year? It's too much to hope for.

"When you said you were thinking about the future, what we were you thinking about?" he asks.

"To be honest, I usually try not to think of the future," Jack tells him, his voice quiet, laced with pain. Ianto regrets asking, because of course it's hard for Jack. He starts to apologize, but Jack stops him. "No, I don't want you to avoid asking me something like that because of what I am. I'm glad you did. I don't think about the future because otherwise…otherwise I'll break. The idea of an eternity like this is too terrifying to contemplate. But sometimes I think about the more immediate future. Like today." He pauses and inclines his head back toward where they were sitting. They return to the stone wall and Jack reaches out for his hand, squeezes it, and holds tight.

"What do you think about when you think about the future?" Jack asks.

And it strikes him then that he usually avoids thinking about it as well, but for completely different reasons. His future is short, finite, and most likely doomed. Jack will live forever; Ianto will be lucky to see the age of thirty.

"I don't usually think about it much either," he admits. "You see eternity, but I see a short life, and not much reason to look forward to something that might not happen, may not last."

Jack shouldn't be surprised, and he isn't, not really. He avoids looking forward because there is no end; Ianto avoids it because his end will come all too soon. The bitter irony burns, that they are such opposites. He hates it, his never-ending life juxtaposed against Ianto's too short life. It's not fair.

"But when you do?" he asks, wondering what it is that Ianto avoids looking toward in his future. Probably the same thing Jack tries not to think about.

Ianto is silent for a long moment beside him. "I think about finding someone to spend my life with," he admits. "Getting married, buying a house, starting a family. Vacations, pets—all the things normal people do with their normal lives. What the world expects us to do, what we're brought up to believe is everyone's dream of the perfect life." He trails off, bitter sarcasm clear.

"Is that your dream?" Jack asks, and this time Ianto replies much quicker.

"No, not really. When I was young, I didn't think about it that much. It was more the expectation than a goal. And then I started working at Torchwood One, and Torchwood changes the way you see the world. I definitely didn't think it was for me, not when there were aliens and time travel and all sorts of amazing things going on out there. It wasn't until I met Lisa that I started thinking seriously about it all, that maybe it was something I wanted. We talked about it several times, but then every dream we had together collapsed around me, both literally and figuratively."

"So you never considered those things—love, marriage, family— again after Lisa died?" Jack asks. Ianto turns it back on him, which seems to be their pattern this entire conversation: one them asking but refusing to give until the other offers something first. It's more like a game of emotional chess than a conversation. At least it's keeping him honest.

"Did you think about it, after you were married?"

"Yes," Jack replies, nodding. "Several times, but remember – immortal here. I made a conscious decision, for the most part, not to get that involved again. It hurt too much." He bumps Ianto's shoulder. "Your turn."

"I didn't think about it after Lisa died, no," Ianto replies. "I suspect people dwell on those things when they either have nothing else and hope it will fill the hole in their life, or they have someone they'd like to spend it with. I had no one, but I had Torchwood, and so I set it aside. Then Gwen got engaged, and yes, I started thinking about it. More and more."

"Did you think about it today?" Jack asks.

"Of course I did," Ianto replies. "Didn't you?"

"Yeah," Jack admits with a smile. "You're right that it's the norm, the expectation here. And having tried it, I can see why. It's amazing, knowing someone is there for you, waiting for you, wanting you. Wouldn't mind doing it again someday…" He trails off, but refuses to give in to regrets.

"Jack, where is this going?" Ianto asks after a moment. He sounds exasperated, and Jack has to admit the conversation has definitely rambled through many different topics.

"Us or this conversation?" he asks, to be sure.

"This conversation," Ianto replies, the frustration evident. Jack smiles to himself, turns toward him and moves closer.

"I think one of the reasons I was so distant today, why I've been such a…a…"

"Arsehole?" Ianto supplies, and Jack swallows and nods. It's true.

"Yes. It's because a lot of the time I was thinking of you. Really," he adds when Ianto rolls his eyes in protest yet again. "I was thinking about us, and what things could be like for us one day."

Ianto actually scoots away, eyes wide. "You're not asking me to think about marrying you, are you?" he asks, his voice high, panic radiating from his voice and body. Jack laughs and moves closer again.

"No, I'm not. Relax," he says. "Neither of us is ready for that. What I'm trying to say is…I realized something a while ago, around the time I went to Hell and you saved me. I realized how much I care about you, only I also thought it was because I was in Hell that I felt that way, so I put it aside and forgot about it. Or I tried to, anyway. It's hard for me, Ianto, because no matter what, it always ends."

Ianto looks stunned, and Jack is running out of words, but knows he must finish or this time Ianto might be the one to turn and leave.

"And today was harder than most. I watched Gwen get married, and I'm happy for her, I am. But sometimes I wish I could be with someone, fall in love, and grow old with them, like her and Rhys. Then I watched you dancing, looking so happy and normal, and I want that for you, because you deserve it too. Only I don't want to give you up either. I can't," Jack says, his voice breaking. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want a happy ending for once in my many lives, and you're my happy ending. If you wanted to be," he adds, then falls silent, letting the other man think and hopefully respond.

Ianto doesn't know what to think, what to say. He's too dumbfounded, struck speechless by everything Jack has said. His first impulse is to stand up and walk away as fast as he can. It's too much to face, and he doesn't want to even try to reply. He wants to run, though for different reasons than when they'd first come outside, when he'd been certain it was over and it hurt so much it had been hard to breathe. Now he's terrified, because there is hope in his chest, and he wants to embrace it, but still can't quite let himself. Squeezing his hands tight to keep them from shaking, he takes several deep breaths to center himself before responding. He has no idea what will come out of his mouth, but he begins to talk anyway.

"You've really surprised me," he starts, shaking his head. "I have no idea how to respond. It's hard to set aside everything leading up to this."

"And I understand if you can't," Jack murmurs. Ianto turns his head to gaze into Jack's eyes, once again seeing the sincerity there, as well as understanding touched with the same hope Ianto feels deep inside. He nods.

"I want to," he says Jack. "I really want to. I liked what we had, when I didn't doubt and question it. If you're offering more…" He trails off, unsure how to end that sentence.

"I am," Jack insists. "It won't be easy, I know that. I'll be a bastard some days and I hate that about myself. I hope you understand. It's not you, it's me and my own thoughts and fears."

"I understand," Ianto replies, because he does, more than he expected. "I have them, too, Jack." Another deep breath, and he commits himself to a path he didn't expect to walk that night. "I suppose we'll have to work through them together."

The look on Jack's face is one of such profound relief and happiness that Ianto grins, then exclaims in surprise when Jack surges forward to kiss him. It is deep and passionate, filled with potential. He ends the kiss quickly, however, right hand caressing Ianto's face in a such new, tender way that it sends shivers down his spine.

"Together," Jack murmurs. He'd sincerely believed Ianto would not want him anymore, would reject the second chance Jack so desperately wanted. "I like the sound of that."

"Maybe we could start over, together," Ianto continues quietly. "When this is over… dinner and a movie?"

Jack's heart swells in his chest as Ianto throws back his own line—and a pathetic, nervous one at that. Only it works for them, and he reaches out for Ianto's hand again, and the Welshman takes it, watching their fingers intertwine with a look on his face that Jack can only label as trepidation.

"Are you sure?" he asks softly. "Because I am. I want to try again."

The other man nods, still looking at their hands. "I want what you're offering," he says. "But I worry about the reality of it. For us, in this job." He shakes his head. "Sorry, I'm not trying to be negative, I'm—"

"Trying to protect yourself," Jack replies. "I get it, because I've done the same thing. And I'm a little worried myself. So maybe…maybe we talk more?" When Ianto gives him a skeptical look, he laughs, which at least earns a smile. "I know, we're not like that, right? But if I mess up, maybe you should tell me instead of adding it to the list."

Ianto nods slowly. "Okay. And you'll do the same? If I do something stupid?" He smirks. "Not that I can think of much."

Jack wraps his arms around Ianto's shoulder. "How about spending the night laughing and dancing with someone else?"

Ianto twists his head to look at Jack in surprise. He appears embarrassed, and Ianto sighs, feeling bad that his actions that night may have hurt the other man, even if Jack's actions hurt him.

"I would have preferred to dance with you," he admits. "So maybe next time we can both keep our heads on a bit straighter?"

"Next time?" Jack teases. "You mean, next time a team member gets married?"

"Well, Tosh deserves it," Ianto points out. "Although Martha might end up sending out invitations first."

Jack smiles broadly. "Then I hope you'll be my date."

"I'd like that," Ianto replies.

"We can always go dancing before then," Jack says. "And not the standing around kind, or the ridiculous club kind, but real dancing, back when people actually held each other and moved together."

Ianto shakes his head at Jack's enthusiasm. "I might need some practice."

"You looked great out there," Jack tells him honestly. "But I like practicing," he adds with a wag of his eyebrows, and Ianto feels things finally settling back to normal between them. Flirting and innuendo and affectionate teasing.

"Dinner and a movie first," he reminds Jack.

"Right," Jack says. He stands and holds out his hand, pulling him into what feels like a dancing position. "Are you busy tomorrow night?" he asks.

"Depends on whether or not my boss gives me the night off," Ianto replies, letting himself relax this time. Jack presses his cheek against Ianto's, and he can feel the smile on the other man's face. In his mind, he can almost hear the silent music as Jack begins moving.

"Absolutely," Jack murmurs. "Take the day, in fact."

Ianto smiles as well. "We could do an early movie, dinner after, perhaps?"

"It's a date," Jack says. He's humming as they turn, and Ianto senses a rare happiness in Jack, lets it wash over him, fill him. Though it is fragile and hard-won, he could get used to this.

It is sappy, sentimental, and schmaltzy, dancing alone in the dark with only the sounds of the night as their soundtrack. And yet Jack can't imagine a more fitting and perfect way to end the night. He feels lighter than he has all day, like a burden has been lifted from his shoulders for the first time in weeks.

Things between him and Ianto aren't perfect, and Jack knows they're taking a big risk in terms of trying for something more. He's not done it for ages and is quite frankly terrified, and he knows Ianto is nervous as well, for his own very different reasons. Yet standing there swaying in time together feels right, and Jack can't imagine what it would feel like to be walking away, alone, instead.

"We should go back in and help with the Retcon," Ianto says quietly, though he doesn't move away, doesn't stop the dance. Jack sighs. As usual, Torchwood steps in to ruin the moment. Yet when he starts to slow down and pull away, it is Ianto who resists, who holds him tight. Whose left hand comes up to Jack's face, caressing his cheek. Who tilts his head and captures Jack's lips in a simple kiss, then brings his other arm up to cup Jack's face between his hands as the kiss deepens. Full of emotion, it is a kiss that is new and exciting, passionate and longing, hopeful with the promise of more.

It is a kiss Jack could lose himself in forever, and he hopes it never ends. Yet all too soon they rest their foreheads together, eyes closed as they catch their breath. It is time to return to the real world, to ensure that world remains safe. To move on to the next day, the next dance, the next date.

Together.

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! I'm too exhausted by this to say much other than I hope it lived up to expectations. I never expected it to grow so large, but I wanted to keep it real, and their reality was often a hard, complicated one. I hope that you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading! Cocktail Hour will continue back with the other, much shorter chapters.


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